Articles by Rabia



A Subpersonality is a set of positive qualities contaminated by programmed, faulty beliefs, attitudes, and feelings, which assumes an autonomous (independent) identity within the psyche. It has a rigid, narrow viewpoint based on its own special set of interests. Often Subpersonalities will be at war with each other. Lot of contradictions.

The main intention of Subpersonalities is to protect the Child. They start splitting off from the subconscious at different ages in infancy and childhood. They help the Child develop strategies to avoid pain, and to make sure the Child's survival will be taken care of.

If there is a lot of conflict in a family, the Inner Cynic may try to help the Child get distance from the pain with a cool, sarcastic attitude towards the family. "What else can you expect from these people?" If one parent is an alcoholic, the Inner Rescuer could come forward to take care of the parent, and be nice to everybody, so that the Child's needs still would be taken care of. "If I give enough, I'll get my needs met." If one parent is very judgmental, and the other parent passive and weak, the Child has to chose which one to sympathize with. Either the Inner Judge will come forward saying, "You should do better. You are not good enough.", or the Inner Victim will come forward saying, "I can't do anything right, poor me!" And then, there is the Inner Rebel... If the Child's upbringing is very rigid and limiting, it has to chose either to confirm-Mr./Ms. Together- or to rebel-Inner Rebel- against it. The Inner Rebel knows how to say "NO", stand up for the Child, in an attempt to keep some sense of indentity and freedom. If the Rebel gets stuck in saying no, she/he loses touch with a bigger picture, and even though at times when saying "YES" would be a higher choice, it is out of question.

Subpersonalities help us as children survive. Then, we grow up.

By the time we are an Adult, the Subpersonalities are so stuck in their ways, that they fail to see that our situation is entirely different now; we have inner and outer resources we didn't have as kids, we are physically strong and capable, we have a capacity to handle emotions, we can take care of ourselves . . . Many times Subpersonalities can be so single-minded about protecting the Child, that they have no idea that there is an Adult Self present, which creates inner conflict. Once they start seeing the bigger picture, they align themselves with the Adult instead of the old conditioning, and a happy, healthy Inner Family is created.

Some of the Subpersonalities are: Inner Judge (I. Critic), I. Cynic (I. Scientist), Clown, Mr./Ms. Together, Nun/Monk, King/Queen, Warrior, Rebel, Victim, Lover, Adventurer, Rescuer, Persecutor, Artist, Dark Woman/Dark Man . . . .



In this culture we are often conditioned to mix who we are with what we do, how we behave. As a child, if mom or dad didn't like something you have said or done, you were called: "Bad girl / Bad boy!"

If they approved your behavior, they said: "Good boy / Good girl." You grew up believing that who you are is what you do. And the often unspoken assumption that is connected to this belief is that you're lovable if you did something right, and not lovable if you did something wrong. When you are stuck in this old conditioning, one of four things can happen: Either you become the Victim, feeling; "Why bother? No matter how hard I try, I'm not good enough anyway. I give up."

Or you become the Caretaker, trying to take care of everyone else's needs to be good enough: "If only I take care of everyone else, I'll be worthy." Yet, this is a never-ending process.

You might become the Judge, judging others, making them wrong, so that noone sees that actually you belive that you are the one not worthy of love. The fourth possibilty is that you become the Rebel, rebelling against the norm, angry. When your energy is going costantly outward in rebelling, saying 'no', you never get to see the deep, unconscious belief of not feeling good enough inside yourself.

The truth is, this belief is not correct. Who you are is always lovable and good enough. As human beings we are supposed to make mistakes and learn from them. When you make a mistake, you can say: "I'm sorry I made this mistake." while you love and accept yourself unconditionally. When you do the inner work necessary to heal this old conditioning, you start feeling a deep sense of joy inside; your heart opens up to you, a gentle sensation of sweetness begins to spread through your body, your muscles, organs, cells... And a knowing emerges: " I am here. I exist. Who I am is lovable and good enough. I love myself exactly as I am."


The word Tantra means expansion. It is a Sanskrit word, connected to an Indian spiritual path, Tantra Yoga. The ultimate goal of Tantra Yoga is the Divine Union between the goddess Shakti and god Shiva. Shakti, also called Kundalini, is in the base of the spine. In her form as Kundalini she is seen as a cobra, coiled 3 1/2 times, asleep. As Shakti, she is the divine feminine, passionate, strong, an incredibly creative force to be reckoned with. The Divine Union takes place as the Kundalini snake starts waking up at the base of the spine, gradually uncoiling herself as she rises up the spine. She pierces each chakra (7 energy centers in the body) in her undulating movement upward, and meets god Shiva, seen as pure consciousness, at the top of the head. Their merging ends the longing for wholeness. The dance of Shakti and Shiva symbolizes the coming together of the feminine and masculine energies inside a person, as well as the creation of the world. In Tantric teachings the sexual energy at the base of the spine is seen as the seed of our spirituality. As we fully say yes to our sexual energy, we give it a chance to expand into ecstasy. Having our permission to exist, this energy starts moving up the spine, longing to be met, connecting with the energies in each chakra, creating a rainbow inside and all around us. Finally, it reaches the crown, having grown and matured, to meet its spiritual counterpart, pure consciousness. Ecstasy, silence, and unconditional Love expand through our bodies into our daily life. The Tantric path is an all-inclusive path, it includes everything that is happening.

It is about saying "yes" to what is happening, rather than denying it, judging it, rationalizing it, excusing it. If there is a feeling of anger, I say "yes" to its existence and create a ritual around it. Saying "yes" to anger does not mean expressing it in harmful ways. Only after I acknowledge that there is anger, the next step reveals itself to me. Accepting what is brings us deeper to ourselves. The denial of it creates separation. If I'm having a bad day, and I accept it, the acceptance of it opens the possibility for the experience to shift. The full acceptance of a good experience deepens the feelings. Sometimes, saying "yes" to a positive feeling and the deepening of it gives room to an underlying old emotion and/or traumatic memory to come forward. Because in our culture unpleasant emotions are labeled as "unacceptable" and "undesirable", we tend not to see this as a good thing. Ecstasy is the substance of life. If we had eyes to see, we would perceive the very air that is all around us as a fine, luminous web, made of ecstasy. So, when an "undesirable" emotion comes up in us, we have a choice: either to deny it, try to push it down, pretend it is not there, drink alcohol, smoke a cigarette, or eat sugar to repress it, or to let it come up and be fully felt, knowing that this old emotion is surrounded and held by ecstasy. When we accept this emotion and feel it fully, it dissolves back into its original state, which is ecstasy. Imagine yourself leaning back into the emotion. You will feel it intensely for a while. If you keep leaning back into it, you will go through the emotion into the experience of ecstasy. Feeling an emotion is not the same as expressing it. When you are feeling it, you are looking in, becoming aware of what is inside, and allowing it to be there. When you are expressing it, you are going into action. Many times, we don't realize that we have a choice, that we could choose to feel an emotion without repressing it and without immediately expressing it.

Inner Feminine, Inner Masculine

The Tantric principle is about giving and receiving energy. The giving, outgoing energy is the masculine principle (Shiva); the receptive, inward oriented energy is the feminine principle (Shakti). Because in our culture the outgoing, active energy is connected with men, and the receptive energy with women, we tend to believe that these energies are specific to men and women. This is not so. Both genders have feminine and masculine principles in them. To live in balance, we need both of these energies to be expressed equally within us. And this is the Dance of Shakti and Shiva; the Inner Feminine and Inner Masculine meeting each other in equal terms, after having let go of the old, limiting belief systems. The Dance of Ecstasy cannot happen if one of these energies is seen as better that the other. The receptive cycle of ecstasy happens when the Inner Woman is receiving Inner Man's sexual into her genitals (second Chakra), moves it up to her heart, and gives it to his heart. The active cycle of ecstasy happens when the Inner Man gives energy to the Inner Woman from his genitals, and receives her heart energy into his heart. In Divine Union, these two cycles happen inside of us, simultaneously. And when we are feeling this ecstatic connection within us, we can also choose to share it with an outer partner.